Don't fret, this isn't going to be a post about "weird extra belly skin", "droopy boobs", "scars that will SCAR you", or even "expanding hips and thunder thighs". No, this entry is going to mention other weird and wonderful results of child rearing. I say "rearing" because you don't necessarily have had to carry your precious little one around in your belly to display these maladies.
Hmm where to start. I think I'll mention "personal hygiene" first. Don't get me wrong though, I for one do not condone using children as an excuse to smell bad. There is no excuse for that; other than perhaps a recent skunk attack. I'm thinking more about the "non-essential" hygiene practices. A GREAT example is shaving.... Many a new parent (and I'm thinking more about the dad's on this one) go through a "hairy mountain man" phase - the rugged "two-days-ago-5pm-shadow" goes really nicely with the sleep deprivation bloodshot eyes.
I myself currently have one baby smooth leg and one leg that is bordering on fuzzy. You may be asking yourself if I am making some kind of political / feminist statement or if it is some ridiculous new trend that I have fallen prey to. Alas no, my excuse is far simpler than that - I was half way through my shower (at 3pm mind you) when the little Diva decided (AND LOUDLY) that her nap was OVER. The end of her nap called for the immediate end of my personal grooming and there you have it. One side of me is decidedly more sexy than the other - and regardless of the weather I'll not be wearing a skirt or shorts until I'm able to rectify the situation.
Hmmm then there's makeup - I try to at least apply the minimal amount of product required to make myself appealing enough to be viewed by the general public. Most of the time though the "minimal amount" really just means I have brushed my teeth, washed my face and applied some moisturizer. If you're lucky I may dazzle you with mascara and eyeshadow! There were days when the little Diva was still in hospital where I'm sure I scared people with my appearance. Luckily no one actually recoiled in horror - but even if the had (and maybe they did) - it wouldn't really have mattered. There were things way more important to worry about than the possibility of terrifying people with my disheveled appearance - at least I didn't stink!
The we get to hair - Once upon a time I used to spend time straightening or defining my curls - now I'm a BIG fan of what I like to call the "Structured crows-nest". Really I've just scraped my hair back into a pony and with some tweaking flipped over the elastic band to make a smush of hair to disguise my less that coiffed hair.I could pretend this makes me looks laid back, yet sophisticated but I'd be lying to myself. It looks lazy! I know it does, you know it does and I know that you know it does - but honestly I don't have time to care!!
Ok let's move away from appearance for a moment... and let's talk about the obsessive swaying. It is easy to pick out parent to small children in any line up - anywhere! They are the goobers who are standing in place quietly swaying rhythmically from side to side. They probably don't even realize they are doing this. If you want a good laugh though - KEEP watching them. If at some point they DO realize that they are swaying like a doofus, (soothing a baby that isn't there) you may get to witness a comedic chain of events. The sway-er will immediately FREEZE and then glance furtively around to see if anyone noticed - if you're lucky they will even blush. This has happened to me on SEVERAL occasions. I love when it does happens and upon freezing I notice that someone else is doing the same thing ahead of me.
Another goofy thing I've noticed that I now do is humming. I'll be minding my own business in line at the bank, hiding one hairy leg, hair smushed on my head, dark glasses hiding my sleep deprivation, swaying like a lunatic, wondering if the little Diva is giving dad a hard time with eating and I'll notice that I'm humming happily to myself. I'm surprised I haven't been approached by security. Can anyone look more suspicious, or more like, well.... A PARENT!
Being a parent is definitely a rewarding and exceptionally entertaining calling! I find myself doing ridiculous things on a daily basis. Stay tuned and I'll share more of the craziness with you.
Night night to all - the little Diva is fast asleep and I'm hoping the thunder doesn't wake her up!
I hate to break it to you but these days will last a while, I still struggle to find time for makeup and coiffed hair. Try Tresemme dry shampoo, it works when you in a pickle. About the swaying, hehe, guilty as charged :D
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